Helping Children Through Birthdays and Holidays After a Loss

Supporting birthdays and holidays after a loss takes patience and flexibility. Birthdays occupy a strange space in grief — they're meant to be celebratory, which can make the accompanying sadness feel confusing or even unwelcome to a grieving child. Two different birthdays tend to come up: the child's own, and the birthday of the person who died.

On the child's own birthday, expect mixed feelings, and say so out loud. A child may feel genuinely excited about presents and cake while also feeling the absence of the person who died more acutely than usual — the person who always made a particular joke, sang a certain way, or gave a specific kind of gift. "It's okay to be excited about your birthday and also really miss Grandma today" gives a child permission to hold both.

Consider a small, optional way to include the person who died in the child's birthday. A photo at the table, a favorite treat that person always brought, or simply saying their name during the celebration can offer a gentle nod to the absence without turning the whole day into a memorial the child didn't ask for.

On the birthday of the person who died, let the child help decide how — or whether — to mark it. Some families choose to celebrate the person's life on their birthday with a favorite activity or meal; others prefer a quieter acknowledgment, or none at all that year. There's no obligation to make it a big occasion, and no obligation to ignore it either.

Watch for a first birthday after the loss being harder than expected, then a gradual shift over the years that follow. The first birthday of either kind — the child's or the person who died — is often the most intense, with subsequent ones typically feeling different, though not necessarily easier or harder in a predictable direction.

For holidays more broadly, the same core ideas apply: decide together what to keep, change, or skip, make small optional space for memory, and build in permission for the day to include both joy and sadness. Our companion guide, "Grief and the Holidays," goes deeper into navigating traditions and extended family during the broader holiday season.

Give yourself, as the adult, the same permission you're offering the child. Your own grief on these days is real too, and modeling that both hard feelings and celebration can coexist teaches a child, more than any single conversation could, that it's possible to do both at once.