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Grief and Gratitude Can Sit at the Same Table

5 days ago
3 min read
An illustrated ten-year-old Middle Eastern or North African girl and her grandfather add notes to a memory jar at the kitchen table while Grief reads one of the notes.

November can bring a lot of talk about gratitude — thankful trees at school, "What are you grateful for?" around the table, social media full of blessings. For a grieving child, all that thankfulness can feel confusing. How can I be grateful when someone I love died?


The truth is, grief and gratitude aren't opposites. They can sit at the same table.


Don't force gratitude. Well-meaning adults sometimes rush grieving children toward the bright side: "At least you had him for eight years." "Be thankful for what you still have." Even when true, these messages can make a child feel their sadness is wrong. Gratitude that's pushed feels like pressure. Gratitude that's invited feels like comfort.


Name the "both/and." Children often think in either/or: I'm sad OR I'm happy. I miss Mom OR I'm thankful. You can gently model something bigger: "I miss Grandma so much, and I'm so grateful she was my mom. Both of those are true." This helps children learn that holding two feelings at once is normal — and not a betrayal of the person who died.


Textured overlapping-circle graphic showing “I miss her” and “I’m thankful for her” sharing a heart, with the message that both can be true.

Be grateful for the person, not despite the loss. Some of the most healing gratitude is gratitude for the person who died — their love, their lessons, the time you shared. Invite children to finish sentences like:

  • "I'm thankful Grandpa taught me…"

  • "My favorite thing about my sister was…"

  • "I'm glad I got to…"


Notice small comforts. Gratitude doesn't have to be big. For a grieving child, it might be a warm blanket, a teacher who noticed, a dog who curled up beside them, or a friend who didn't ask too many questions. Noticing small comforts can help children feel held on hard days.


Let "nothing" be an answer. If you ask what your child is grateful for and they say "nothing," resist the urge to correct them. You might say, "That makes sense. This year has been really hard." Sometimes, feeling heard is what makes space for gratitude to return on its own.


Try gentle gratitude practices — without pressure.

  • A memory jar: Family members write things they're thankful for about the person who died and read them on holidays.

  • "Thankful for you" cards: Kids write or draw thank-you notes to people who have helped them since the death.

  • A gratitude list, side by side with feelings: The Emotional Exploration Workbook pairs a gratitude list with a daily emotion tracker for this reason — so children can notice what they're thankful for and what hurts, without either one erasing the other.



Words to try

Handwritten-style note with the blue Reflection character labeled “Reflection,” reading, “Being thankful doesn’t mean you’re done being sad.”


  • "You can miss him and still have good things in your life."

  • "Being thankful doesn't mean you're done being sad."

  • "What's one thing you're grateful Grandma gave you?"



For educators

Classroom "thankful" activities can be hard for grieving students. Offer open-ended options — "Write about someone or something that matters to you" — and let students include people who have died.

This November, there's room at the table for everything your child is feeling: the missing, the love, the laughter, and the thanks. None of it cancels out the rest.



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